How to support someone coping with infertility
For some people, the path to parenthood is joyful and exciting. But for others, the road to having a baby can be long and emotionally painful.
For the one out of every eight individuals who experiences infertility, the losses are often hidden, and the grief is often unacknowledged. Infertility can also be complicated by treatment failure, miscarriage, or the challenges of adoption and third-party reproduction. Leaning on others during stressful times, including the emotional roller coaster of infertility, is one of the best ways to manage the disappointment. And yet, friends and loved ones sometimes don’t know how to help, or they try their best but only make things worse. This can deepen the trauma, isolation, and loneliness.
What should friends and family know and how can they support a loved one who’s coping with infertility?
- Leave the problem-solving to the medical team. Suggestions such as, “Just relax” or “Stop worrying” may sound dismissive. Also, trying to fix things for a person with infertility may cause them to feel that they don’t have a baby because they haven’t tried hard enough or have been doing something wrong. While it may be well-meaning, it’s best to keep infertility solutions to yourself. What worked for you, your neighbor, or a celebrity won’t necessarily work for your loved one.
- Validate and normalize emotions. It can be difficult to watch a loved one experiencing infertility issues, but you cannot make grief go away by burying it. And statements such as, “You’re lucky that you don’t have kids because ... ” or “Look on the bright side” can bring envy and an even stronger sense of hopelessness. Reflecting your loved one’s feelings by saying, “It sounds so hard” is far better than saying, “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”
- Be there when the going gets tough. Saying little or nothing is better than saying the wrong thing, but sometimes silence can be taken as abandonment. Don’t underestimate the healing impact of just being there, even if you are silent. Communication doesn’t have to be in words. Being there for your loved one with infertility can include sending a cheerful note, running an errand or doing small favors, or otherwise making sure they know that they’re on your mind.
- Put your pregnancy or parenting challenges into perspective. People experiencing infertility would give anything to have what you have and gladly accept the discomfort, loss of sleep, and other challenges that come with parenthood. Keep this in mind and show compassion if or when they decide to skip a baby shower, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day celebration, or family event that involves children. Their absence does not mean that they are not thrilled for you—they are simply overwhelmed by the sadness of their own situation.
- Understand that infertility touches all the aspects of your loved one’s life. Infertility can impact a person’s budget, career, relationships, and self-esteem. It can truly be a life crisis—and not simply a bad day. Help your loved one see what remains stable in their life, what is present and accounted for, and what is not lost despite the eclipsing quality of infertility. Remind them that one of the most important things they can count on is you.